In any situation in life, there are at least 2 ways to respond: the POSITIVE/CONSTRUCTIVE way and the NEGATIVE/DESTRUCTIVE way.
I have been pondering this as I try to guide my children through what they encounter as challenges in life.
For example, M1 is so unlike his brother M2. When something happens in school that is not pleasant, M1 reacts by becoming moody; M2, on the other hand, comes to me with a broad impish grin and tells me, “Guess what, Mom! I got my first GREEN SLIP!” (notice from school that he had several minor slip-ups) and walks away as though nothing happened.
It tells me that M1 is a more sensitive child. He is actually the more compassionate child in the family and would readily help out where help is needed. He is also the one who never fails to play with our dogs as soon as he comes home. But being more sensitive than others, his peers’ opinion of him means the world to him and he easily feels down when things do not go “right” in his perception.
Teaching our children how to survive the travails of life is not easy. But somehow, we have to try so that when hard times come, they will know how to cope and survive. I have had my share of survivals.
1. I was a victim of crime and lived to see the guy go to jail for it;
2. I was hit by a car and came out of it with bruises but….alive;
3. I have loved and lost — MANY TIMES! And I have cried buckets over each lost love. But save for one, they remain my good friends;
4. I have experienced what it is like to fail a subject (an offshoot of what I was undergoing at the time in situation #1 above) but I now know that one failure does not make me stupid.
Each of these situations created internal defenses. I am more protective of my children’s safety more than ever. I feel deeply for them whenever their crushes do not respond to their feelings. I constantly follow up on their subjects to try and prevent them from experiencing what I went through.
But in order for them to survive as I did, I know I must try to teach them that:
1. It is okay to acknowledge lost or unrequited love. It is okay to cry your heart out now and admit that yes, it does hurt. But there is tomorrow and I can get over this. And yes, at the right time I will meet someone else and this hurt I am feeling now will slowly be healed.
2. Failures are not the end-all and be-all in life. Many success stories in life are fraught with failures in between. The trick is to keep on getting up each time you fall. And learn from what failed.
3. It is okay not to have the latest tech gadget or have as large an allowance as your classmate. That happens when you constantly look up at those richer, better, or have more than you. Try looking down for a change at those who have less in life.
I know people who have experienced loss or failure of some kind and have built up impregnable walls of defense. It’s almost as though anything that threatens to make them feel (or love) as human beings have to be pushed away in order to keep them from ever hurting again. Others are forever hankering after the latest, the newest, the coolest, the biggest whatever.
That is sad.
Because life, if it is to be enjoyed to the fullest, comes with 2 sides. In order to be loved, one has to be ready to be hurt by the one you love. In order to succeed, one must be prepared for failures. In being willing to be vulnerable, the fruits of love and success become even sweeter. And to be accepting of what life brings and content with what one has makes one a happier person.
synthesis of a “work in progress…”
but am sure that it was with much work that you got over the wounds and see them as part of life. a learning process. and this ‘work’ we cannot fully put into words …
reading your blog brought back my own experiences. not in a detailed way though. yet it roused this sadness within for a part of life lived with so much struggle and weight. and yet still, along with the feeling was a settledness, a resignation if you wish, and this calming feeling of peace … for me it was the only way i guess.
for m1 and m2, and c… you can teach them and model to them ‘how to swim.’ but for them to learn, they will have to get wet and drink some pool water in the process… but they will learn, in their own terms. the core of mothering, i think [as i watch my own mother stumble and stutter, fumble and bungle her way through the role :)] is to watch them go through this, and OFFER [note the verb :)] to be there when they’re cold and nauseous … with a towel, and a knowing smile saying ‘i told you so.’ hehe
such is life.
Jane: I am at a loss for words. This is just such a beautiful insight. Hard as it is to keep from hovering over them like a true mother hen, I have to try and let go and see if they sink (or swim) and just be there. I will forever be a “work in progress”. Thank you…. 🙂
Jane, I have to read this again. My eyes are blurred with tears about to fall. 🙂
Jane: You know, Julie, it seemed devastating at the time. But looking back, I realize it has made me a stronger person in many ways. All of us have our own challenges. We cannot control these. What we can control is how we respond to them.