A few years back, I bought the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This came on the heels of a workshop that we attended on this topic where we learned that all of us have one primary love language which is not always the same as that of our loved ones and could be a major cause of conflict or resentment.
According to Dr. Gary Chapman, unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don’t understand our partner’s requirements, or even our own. We all have a “love tank” that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others. Dr. Chapman’s book divides love languages into five categories: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
This got me thinking of my 4 kids and found that they had different love languages.
C1’s is Quality Time. She loves time for us to talk (about anything that concerns her). Sometimes she wants to talk at the wrong time (like midnight sometimes???). Other times, I may not be ready to listen or have something to work on. But knowing this is her love language, I try to spend time talking or our next favorite bonding activity — shopping.
C2’s love language is also Quality Time though to a lesser degree than C1’s. She complains at times that I do not have time to go shopping with her (I work, you see) so I hope to be able to make up for it on some weekends. We have watched movies together already so that’s a good start. She also loves talking with me about things important to her and like C1, I try to relate to what she says.
M1’s is Receiving Gifts. For some reason, he relishes it when we come home from somewhere with something for him. When he was younger, he would always ask when I come home, “What did you get for me?” Now that he is older, his tastes get more expensive (read my lips: gadgets & tech stuff). So it gets challenging to fill this need without me emptying my pockets completely.
M2’s is Physical Touch. This is the kid I can hug and hug and who won’t squirm away from me. And he is the only one who asks (no, demands) that I give him a foot massage to get him to sleep. One day, I think I will bring him along when I have a massage and treat him to a really professional one.
I found this site on the blog of C1’s friend and was curious to find out which was my primary love language. GUESS!
The Five Love Languages
My Primary Love Language is Physical Touch
| My Detailed Results: | |
|---|---|
| Physical Touch: | 12 |
| Quality Time: | 8 |
| Words of Affirmation: | 5 |
| Receiving Gifts: | 4 |
| Acts of Service: | 1 |
About this quiz
Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.
Want to know what your love language is?
Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book
I suspected that TOUCH would be my predominant love language. I notice that when I meet friends (of any gender), I always tend to reach out and touch them while speaking. Or my first inclination is to hug friends when we meet. Yes, there are people who are not comfortable with this and are not touchy-feely so I sometimes have to sense who is open to beso-beso (kissing on the cheeks) and who prefers just a handshake.
I still have to decipher hubby’s but I suspect his love language is Acts of Service. Why? Because he seems to appreciate the things that I do for him and for his family (as well as ours). He does tend to think that “doing things” for me is his way of showing love and that’s where the disconnect is as Acts of Service is at the bottom of the heap of my love language ranking. But at least he does not spare me hugs when I need them so that makes up for everything.
My yogini friend Chona and I were comparing notes on this subject and fortunately for me, her primary love language is Quality Time (my second top love language). Chona, no wonder we enjoy spending time with each other and just wasting away the hours chatting! 🙂
I came away with one key realization: when we feel unloved by someone, it may not always be that we are not loved, but rather it may be that that person is using his/her own love language to show love but we are not receiving it as such as it is NOT our own love language.
If we know our loved ones’ love languages, it will probably make our lives a whole lot easier. We can then adjust to the other’s love language so that our loved one will truly feel our love. Conversely, if our loved ones knew what most mattered to us, they could use that love language with us.
I took this test before at church camp and I found out that my primary love language is time and service. This is really an eye opener, helped me become more sensitive in how people actually show their love (and how they perceive mine for that matter.)